Tesla to Introduce Revolutionary Roadhog SUV

Tesla Motors, renowned for building the all-electric Model S sedan and Roadster sports car, is set to experience a revolution of sorts by introducing its very first fossil-fueled vehicle.

The Roadhog is the company’s very first SUV and represents a major shift by the Palo Alto company not just because it is the first truly gargantuan model the company has produced, but also because it will be powered by a petrol-fueled V16 engine.

The new V16 engine’s specs are truly impressive. The number of pistons is distinctive – V16s are about as commonplace as 24-karat diamonds found on the street – and enables the new powerplant to develop more motive power than any engine Tesla has ever built before. Rated at 417bhp, it is one brake horsepower more powerful than the previous company flagship, the full-size Model S sedan.

Tesla’s all-electric Model X

“The Roadhog represents a true revolution here at Tesla Motors,” said I.R. Trolling, chief engineer in charge of the Roadhog project. “For the first time ever, we will not be setting ourselves apart from the rest of the world. With our fully-electric cars, we started a bit of a revolution. Now, with the Roadhog, we are doing it again, albeit from a purely internal perspective.”

Trolling further explains the rationale behind the Roadhog. “We don’t want to be perceived as tree-hugging elitists who look down our collective noses at people who want to separate ourselves from the herd with our automotive philosophy based on power units entirely independent of fossil fuels. With the Roadhog, we are declaring ourselves as perfectly willing to 1) own the road with a gargantuan SUV, and 2) better position our original line-up of vehicles and strategically drive the market to our company’s best advantage.“

That may sound like a cryptic statement to most, but A. Prillfools, a well-respected analyst of the automotive market, had this to say: “It’s perfectly obvious what Tesla’s game plan is, really. The Roadhog, with its huge gas-guzzling V16 and 7000lb dry weight, is designed to accelerate the depletion of the planet’s petroleum reserves. The earlier these materials are used up, the better for Tesla’s bottom line. They already have established a strong position in the alternative-fuel space in the automotive market; the Roadhog will not only make buyers who are into SUVs buy a truly gigantic SUV, but they will also be incorporated into the Tesla universe.”  Prillfools added, “It’s brand-building at its very best.”

“It’s really a brilliant tactic!“

/April Fools’